fateandfortune | Just two vampires, traveling the galaxy... [For Todd the Wraith]

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Just two vampires, traveling the galaxy... [For Todd the Wraith]

[continued from here]

It was a pleasant surprise to glance over and see Todd asleep on the bed, relaxed and peaceful. He can't have gotten much quality rest the night before propped up in the chair as he had been, certainly not when he'd been woken by her nightmare. She hoped that didn't happen again tonight, he had important things to take care of tomorrow; she didn't know all of the details, but with a civil war going on between his people, he needed his wits about him.

To that end, Rogue forced herself to stay awake for hours into the night, eating the dinner he'd brought for her and looking through one of the books from the collection he'd shown her before their sparring session. She didn't recognize anything on the pages, but it gave her a topic for conversation with the voices in her head, providing ample entertainment to pass the time. Eventually she fell asleep herself, the book held carefully to her chest as she curled up in the armchair, her boots set on the floor beside it. It was a fairly deep sleep, and she didn't dream for one of the first times in many weeks, something she was eternally grateful for when she awoke.

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For the time being, Todd merely held her and listened. He could only imagine being forced to sleep and endure horrors and torture all within a familiar and once-home. The closest he could relate was being on Atlantis where numerous Wraith had likely been tortured and experimented upon by the Lanteans before finally being allowed death. But even that was a pale comparison.

"You're home." he repeated "Focus on that and let the cruel memories fade so they cause no further pain to you." he advised, remembering how he coped after escaping the Genii. He recalled everything that had been done to him, as she would likely remember those three years for the rest of her days. But time and fellow crew helped him push them to the back of his mind.

"I'm home," she whispered in an echo, reminding herself of that fact. It was important to know, to really feel it, but it couldn't change the memories that haunted her every moment.

"Letting them fade," she continued with a slight shake of her head, "that's not... They made me kill people, Todd. Hundreds of people. And I remember how each one of them felt when it happened."

Tears slipped down her cheeks and she turned her face into the pillow.

"Rogue." he said firmly, but not angrily, touching her shoulder and trying to turn her to look at him. "You have to let them fade. You'll never recover, and probably never re-master your ability without letting the hurt of your experience pass. You can still remember them, and the time you spent back in your world, but you can't have everything in the fore-front of your mind. Punishing yourself by trying to recall their suffering whenever you have a happy or content moment won't do you any good either."

She knew he was right, but it sounded so hard. Impossible, even. Before all of this, she'd had such good control, all things considered. Now, though, she was just barely holding it together.

Rogue let him turn her, but the crying didn't stop. "I don't know that I'm strong enough anymore," she admitted, feeling helpless and small and so very weak.

"No doubt it will take time, but you survived for three years. I'm positive you'll live for many more than that." He said, sitting up and pulling her up as well. "Victoria will likely be able to help during your sessions with her" he said, wiping her streaming cheeks with his hand and letting her curl up to him. "Listen to those within your head. Erik, Charles, Logan, Remy. What are they telling you?"

He knew she relied a lot on them during her tough moments before, reminding her that they were still there and supporting her-as weird as it sounded-would hopefully boost her morale.

She continued to let him maneuver her, too tired to even consider resisting, not that she would have. Leaning against him made her feel a little more at peace than she had been.

"They tell me it's not my fault," she answered him quietly. "That I should live the life I've been given. But they're not as strong anymore either. Sometimes everything else is so strong that it drowns them out."

Todd was at a loss. All he could think of was that perhaps Victoria would be able to surpress those within her head that she didn't have before. Queens do have a mental effect on those on board, and their presence did wonders to a hive that didn't have a queen before. The truth of that was proved with Victoria's arrival. But it was hard to say how much she could help or manipulate Rogue's inner personalities, if any.

He felt that she was too frail to start the lessons yet, but if this was going to be a nightly routine and those like Erik and Remy were blotted out in her head at times, sooner would be better.

"Get some rest, we will talk to Victoria about what she can do for you tomorrow" he assured her

Rogue had tried for months, years, to get back her control over her own mind, but every time she'd gotten close, they'd forced her to absorb new psyches. It had taken all her effort just to stay sane through it all, and the walls she'd constructed were flimsy at best and already starting to crumble. Being on the Hive would likely help with her ability to focus, but anything else... she just didn't know.

But if Victoria could help in any way, it might change everything. Hopefully for the better.

"I'm sorry I came back broken," she said sadly, the words laced with exhaustion. "That you have to deal with this. You don't deserve this."

"Nonsense. I'm glad you came back at all." he said, caressing her arm. "Come on, sleep. You're exhausted and you've had to deal with Woolsey all week." he said with a smile. "You'll get through this." he added encouragingly.

It was already a great sign that her ability had not attacked him. He was sure with Victoria's help, Rogue would be back to her old self in no time.

He was so good to her. So understanding and accepting even though she was so frustratingly weak. She was going to make an effort not to be even worse than she already was, so he didn't regret her coming back.

Snuggling in against him, her head in the space between his neck and shoulder, she sighed heavily. "Thank you for being so sweet," she said quietly. "I've missed the way you take care of me." Her voice faded at the end as she let herself fall asleep again, perfectly comfortable and at peace with him beside her.

Only when she'd finally settled and fallen asleep did he do the same. He also woke before she did, still curled up against him.

She'd been through the worst experiences a human could endure for three years, and come out with barely a fraction of the strength she once possessed. Her spirit, courage, and confidence just as ruined.

It was likely she'd never completely be herself again, especially if Victoria couldn't help her with the hundreds of people she'd been forced to take into herself.

But, he'd do his best to help her regardless.

For now, Todd let her rest as long as she liked, content to remain where he was.

Rogue slept for a while longer after Todd woke, her body and mind taking advantage of the opportunity to finally rest and recharge properly. When she did wake, it was slow, a gradual stirring as she remembered where she was and who was there with her.

She still felt tired, but that would likely be the case for a while until she regained her strength and general good health. As tempting as it might be just to sleep the days away and not think about the memories that haunted her, she knew she couldn't do that, and some part of her truly didn't want to. She was back with people she cared about, another adopted family despite their different species and cultures, and she couldn't allow herself to take that for granted.

Opening her eyes, she looked at Todd, examining his face for a moment before her eyes moved to his hair. "You kept the braid I gave you," she commented quietly, finally voicing the observation she'd made the day before.

"I believed you were coming back." he answered. "And the mates I took seemed to believe it too, for they let it remain."

It was a funny hopeful reminder, but in the end they were right, she'd returned.

"Up for some breakfast?" he asked

Hearing him say those words... It nearly broke her heart in the best of ways. It cemented the knowledge that he cared for her in his own way, that he'd hoped she would return even though he had no way of knowing if it were even possible. She had to bite her lip to keep the tears held back, but she still managed a smile as she nodded at his question.

"Breakfast sounds good," she told him before leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek.

He smiled, and, with some effort, they got out of bed.

As they dressed in their clean clothes, Todd made an annoyed noise at her outfit her captors had forced her into. Atlantis had not even had the decentcy to offer her even a ridculous jumpsuit in place of her current attire.

"No, leave it, and put the robe back on, we'll get you fitted for new clothes first." he said.

It was a huge relief to not have to wear the grey suit again. Not only did it take a great deal of effort for everything to be properly in place, but the memories that clung to it were among the worst in Rogue's mind. Each removable section of the suit held a dozen recollections of the various experiments the scientists had conducted, each painful and horrific.

"Thank you," was all she could offer, but she knew from the sound he'd made that he would understand just how grateful she was. Undoing the pieces she'd already put in place, she slid back into the robe with a sigh and tied it tightly closed.

Todd stuffed the awful garment down the trash hole in the corner where it would be passed down to the incinerator and then the ashes blown into space. They then headed for the chamber where the wraith all got their clothes from.

It was a bit of a walk, and to avoid Rogue bumping into anyone accidentally, he walked in front of her when crew approached from the opposite direction.

The chamber they reached was small, about the size of Todd's chambers, minus the bathroom. There were three pods in the far wall, about half the size of the ones the wraith hibernated in, and a low table in the center of the room which was big enough to hold even the largest wraith.

Todd closed the door to give them some privacy and had Rogue take the robe off and climb up onto the table.

"The beam above is going to scan you to get your sizes" he explained, going over to a panel on the wall. "Face up with your arms at your sides to start."

Rogue made herself as small as possible when they passed others in the hall, so very glad of Todd's foresight in walking in front of her at those times to help keep anyone from getting too close. She took note of the way the crew looked at her, the hints of emotion in their expression at seeing her walking the halls again. What she wouldn't give to be able to join them in the arena or working in the kitchen.

At first, she was fine with laying on the table, understanding what was going to happen and that she was safe here, Todd wouldn't put her in a situation where she wouldn't be safe. But as she settled down as he'd instructed, her pulse began to race as panic rose in her chest. It was silly, she was fine, but the psychological association of laying naked on a table wasn't something she could easily overcome. She clenched her eyes shut and forced herself to stay still.

The scan was quick and Todd had her turn over on her stomach for a second scan before having her get down and put her robe back on.

He put his arm around her and steered her over to the panel, knowing that laying on a table might not have been the best way to help get rid of unpleasant memories, but it had only been a few seconds and she wouldn't have to do it again.

"Now we have to input some information for the design." he said, touching the screen. "You want something...easy to move in, built for sparring...but with minimal skin showing...right?"

Having Todd's arm around her helped to chase away the panic and let her mind and body calm down again. As Rogue leaned against him slightly, her hands clutching at the robe while she watched his work at the screen, she couldn't help but wonder what else might trigger an episode like that.

"Right," she murmured with a nod, thinking over what she had seen the crew and the queen wear during her previous time on the Hive. Even with that experience, she couldn't begin to guess at what the computer might produce.

He decided to also include gloves in her new outfit, as getting her ability back under control could take time.

When enough factors and preferences had been entered, he submitted the order with her name attached to it so that if need be, it could be replaced without needing to re-enter everything

"There we are, we'll come back after breakfast, should be done by then" he said and left the chamber.

"It's certainly an efficient system," she commented with a small smile as they walked through the halls. "Back on Earth, we'd have to wait weeks to have something made to order like that."

Rogue had never been one to overly enjoy shopping for clothes. She'd get the necessities and a few outfits and that would be it if she were on her own. It was only when she'd gone out with friends, like Jubilee or Lorna, that she'd been bit by the shopping bug and indulged in needless spending.

Switching gears completely, she slowly said to Todd, "I didn't realize that the crew cared about me the way I cared about them. Seeing them yesterday when we arrived, and today in the halls, it... I can't even describe what it means to me."

Todd looked to her as she spoke then smiled, and nodded. "Of course, you taught them quite a lot and, in a way, you were our queen for awhile."

Another wraith passed them in the corridor and the underling nodded to both the commander and Rogue before continuing on to wherever he was going.

"You mean a lot to us." Todd continued. "Even Victoria whom you knew the shortest time was at a loss when you disappeared as she lost her queen before she could truly strike out on her own, so the advice and experiences you gave her were important."

Todd couldn't possibly understand how much she'd needed to hear all of that. For three years, she'd felt abandoned and unwanted, hated for a genetic trait that she hadn't asked for. She'd been treated like a thing, tortured and studied, and she'd been sure that no one could ever want her with them again.

So to be on the Hive now, hearing about the impact she'd had on the crew and even the queen, and to be so readily welcomed back among them... It gave her a spark of hope that she might be able to regain a semblance of the life she'd had before.

"I think of all of you as my family," she told him. "I know it's different with wraith, but with humans, family is one of the strongest bonds there is. I would do anything for you."

"Good to hear." he nodded. Made her truly one of the crew...or family, whatever terminology one preferred.

They were the only ones in the kitchen when they arrived. Wraith only needed one meal a day so they usually ate in large groups. As Todd looked through the fridge of leftovers, he realized they forgot something rather vital on Atlantis.

"Seems we may have to return to Atlantis sooner than we thought." he said. "We have no vitamin D supplements for you to take." Without them, and in as low health as she was, she'd surely start to feel the lack of sunlight within a week, days possibly. It wasn't a complete detour as they were still in orbit around the planet they came through the gate from, but still, it was best she not be exposed to Atlantis for awhile as the military atmosphere-though severely diminished since she left-was likely to trigger something.

He thought awhile before coming up with a plan.

"I'll send a crew member down. All Atlantis really needs to do is send the supplements through, and Beckett is unlikely to fight for some sort of equal trade...Can you recall any other specifics Beckett wanted you to follow upon discovering the lack of sun was the root of the problem?"

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